Most of these articles are written from a place of love and a place filled with positive intent.
This post is not from that positive place.
This will be the first in a series of extremely personal insights into who I am and my life thus far.
I've been wondering why bother to write or share a damn thing with anybody?
Why I Started CopingWithSelf
Everybody has a story; honestly, I'm not entirely sure they are relevant.
What's relevant, is the perspective and insights afforded to us.
This blog is meant to be a reflection of myself, a definition of my perspective.
This blog is meant to become a place of thought and compassion.
I wanted to reflect life the best I could.
In that reflection, is a person who represents kindness, morals, values, and drive. A reflection of peace and thoughtful intelligence. A spiritual person, empathetic and wise.
In that same reflection is the capability of chaos and anxiety. A nature of depression, a constant state of fear and panic. Wondering if anybody else notices.
Why is it so ominous?
Why does it feel this way?
With every interaction, I seem to become more and more exhausted.
I mean to share myself in the hopes of someone finding these posts and realizing they aren't alone. There is a certain comfort in knowing your point of view is recognized. Knowing that our experience is a shared one.
Still, there are so many things that don't make sense and I'm hardly qualified to explain them.
But, I can share who I am. My experiences, my dreams, my fears, my life.
Nobody is alone right?
Who Am I?
I'm a person, or at least I used to think I was.
When I was younger (say 1st or 2nd grade) I used to spend a lot of time trying to understand mythology, especially Greek mythology. I thought that I could make sense of the flaws in my reality, by exposing flaws in Divinity.
I was such an angry kid, with uncommon views and understanding, living a common story.
My parents never got along and were quite dysfunctional. This led to divorce.
My dad left and we moved in with my grandmother.
It's a fairly typical story, unfortunately.
My mom wasn't quite absent, just not there. When she was there, it was a barrage of emotional outbursts and conflict. When she wasn't there, she was missed.
My grandma took on a huge amount of responsibility and became quite an alcoholic.
I spent innumerable nights hiding from the narcissistic tendencies of that woman. But she raised us, and I love her.
Is any of this relevant? Not fucking really.
For all the time my dysfunctional family spent trying to keep us together. We never really helped one another improve.
It took me years to understand, what we had all been fighting for. All of those years, I had truly believed we were meant to protect one another.
But, in the end, the only thing being protected was the dysfunction.
The comfort in knowing nothing had changed or even had to.
I could talk about my dad leaving and being absent or go into detail about my eldest brother tormenting me or my drunk grandmother.
But what's the point?
I've come to realize that no matter how far they push me or how wrong I believe they are.
No matter what gets thrown my way, no matter what challenges, I will adjust.
I will conquer every fucking obstacle without fail.
Challenges will always present themselves. But I will overcome them all for the sake of my soul.
Because my life is my own.
I'm not composed of the years of abuse or the rage that had become of me.
I'm simply me.
A very flawed human being, who has been blessed enough to live in the most prosperous time in known history. I'm not years of being told to kill myself, I'm not here to be looked past and hit. To have my son held against me.
I'm not the suicide attempts or the despair.
I'm just a person too right?
A person with immeasurable dreams.
I guess the question is where do we look now?
If we're not defined by our past, how can interpret our future?
Can we create and design our own perspectives?
Can we really just be ourselves and let go of suffering?
How To Design Our "Self"
If years of suffering don't define us. If our past doesn't completely define us. What the fuck actually does? I think the answer is very complex so I'm going to try and word it in the best way possible.
We are defined by who we are. Who we are is defined by what we do. What we do is significantly defined by what we see. Lastly, what we see and how we see it is defined by what we think.
Is that just my way of saying "We think, therefore we are" yes and no.
I've come to firmly believe that everything exists on a gradient or a continuum.
Good and Evil, sexuality, and even who we are.
That means to be yourself you must constantly adjust to society, and your expectations of such.
Jung said it all the time our nature and society are often at odds.
To be oneself is more than to think, it's to expose your reality to opposition and trial, and if you conquer the opposition and face the trials and our way of living and standing triumphant.
We get this really cool gift. We gain perspective.
We vastly improve our knowledge of self.
We must be able to entertain and even enter the realities of those around us and be able to maintain the composition of our ideals, with respect to the ideals and realities we encounter.
Then we meet our "self."
Who I Became
I let my life get the better of me.
I had every intention of becoming more than worthless. Every intention of allowing myself to feel like a person.
I let myself get in the way of who I wanted to be.
This entire blog is a collection of my thoughts in an attempt to change myself and help others.
At the time of writing this. My life is no trophy, I'm broke and constantly feeling depressed. I'm angry at the way the world works and the lack of insight we choose to indulge in.
I'm terrified for my son's future in a place like this. I am constantly in fear of failing and constantly questioning my every decision.
I refuse to choose bitterness and resentment. I refuse to stop struggling and refuse to give up.
It took me far too long to realize. The more my life is filled with challenges and pain. The more prepared I am to withstand ANYTHING. I refuse to back down.
I've made the conscious choice to say being depressed can actually fuck off.
Nothing short of God will get in my way.
I've finally decided that no matter what I will live a life full of insight and abundance and love.
No more excuses for myself
I intend to challenge myself.
I intend to Cope with Myself.
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